Funny stories and farmers jokes

Difficult divorce

A farmer who wants a divorce goes to see a lawyer.
The farmer says: “I wants to get one of them dayvorces”
Lawyer: “Do you have grounds?
Farmer: Yes, i gots me 40 acres.
Lawyer: No you don’t understand,

do you have a suit?
Farmer: Yes, oi wears it to church on Sundays.
Lawyer: No, i mean do you have a case?
Farmer: No, but i got a john deere.
Lawyer: No, i mean do you have a grudge?
Farmer: Yes, that’s where i park the john deere.
Lawyer: Does your wife beat you up?
Farmer: No, we both get up at 5:30.
Lawyer gets annoyed and tries one last question…”Is your wife a nagger?”
Farmer: No, she’s a white girl, but the baby’s a nagger, that’s why i want a dayvorce!

*****

What did the neurotic pig say to the farmer?
You take me for grunted.

*****

A lawyer is out duck hunting.  He shoots a duck and it falls on a neighboring farm, where he does not have permission to hunt.  He looks around, sees no one, and decides to hop the fence to trespass to get the duck.

He has barely taken ten steps when the farmer pops out of some trees and orders him off the property.  The lawyer protests he really wants to retrieve the duck, the farmer insists he leaves.  “well” the lawyer says, “I guess I am going to sue you”.

The farmer replies “we don’t handle disagreements like that out here, we use the ‘3 kick rule’ “.  “Three kick rule??” the lawyer asks.  “Yup” says the farmer, “this is the way it works.  Each of us takes turn kicking each other as hard as we can three times, and whoever gives up first loses”.  The lawyer said he guessed he could try that, and the farmer says he’ll go first.  So, the farmer kicks the lawyer in the knee as hard as he can, and while the lawyer is doubled up in pain holding his knee, the farmer hauls off again and kicks him in the chin.  Now hurting more than ever, the lawyer stands upright holding his chin, and the farmer kicks him in the groin.

After he recovers, the lawyer says “OK, now its my turn” to which the farmer replies “I give up, you win, get your duck”.

*****

Rancher John
Old ranch owner John farmed a small ranch in Montana. The Montana Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his workers and sent an agent out to interview him.

‘I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,’ demanded the agent.

‘Well,’ replied old John, ‘There’s my ranch hand who’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a week plus free room and board. Then there’s the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night.’

‘That’s the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit,’ says the agent.

‘That would be me,’ replied old rancher John.

*****

What do you say to a Cow if it’s in your way?

You tell it to Mooooooooooove.

*****

How to grow strawberries
Farmer Evans was driving his John Deere tractor along the road with a trailer load of fertilizer. Tim a little boy of eight was playing in his yard when he saw the farmer and asked, ‘What’ve you got in your trailer?’

‘Manure,’ Farmer Evans replied.

‘What are you going to do with it?’ asked Tim.

‘Put it on my strawberries,’ answered the farmer.

Tim replied, ‘You ought to come and eat with us, we put ice-cream on our strawberries.’

*****

Names

George, the farmer, had so many children that he ran out of names. So he started calling his kids after something around his farm.

It was the first day of school and the teacher asked each child their name. When he got to one of the farmer George’s sons, the boy replied, ‘Wagon Wheel.’

The teacher said, ‘I need your real name boy, to which the lad replied, ‘It’s Wagon Wheel, sir….Really.’

The teacher, rather annoyed rejoined, ‘All right young man, take yourself right down to the Principal’s office this minute.’

The youngster pushed himself out of his chair, turned to his sister and said, ‘C’mon, ‘Chicken Feed’, he ain’t gonna believe you, either.’

*****

Farmers wife says: “That’s amazing a bull can have sex three thousand times a year, why cant you do that?” The farmer replies: “The bull doesn’t do it with the same old cow every time!”

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